“I had been frightened of the lieutenant, frightened of being reprimanded, frightened of failure even in the smallest endeavor. I discovered now that being ashamed of yourself is worse than any fear. Duty, orders, loyalty, obedience - all things boiled down to one simple idea: whatever the consequences, a man must act so that he can live with himself.” - John Masters, Bugles and a Tiger
My father loved reading. There were always lots of books in the house as I grew up. I was looking at the cover art of paperbacks before learning to read. When I was in junior high school I read all the science fiction books in the library. I wanted more.
My father bought me some of my first paperbacks. After getting my haircut we would always stop into Aspen Book Shop, a used bookstore that was next door. I loved browsing the science fiction section. Dad would always let me pick out a few things to add to the books that he had picked out.
In his later years my father stopped going to used bookstores and started going to the public library. When he passed away a few years ago there was a big stack of books that needed returning. He also had a collection of books spread out between two rooms. Fiction, non-fiction, and lots of books on history.
When I was cleaning recently I found a really worn out paperback, Bugles and a Tiger by John Masters. I think this must have been his favorite book. It’s an autobiography of a British soldier. My father served in the U.S. Air Force. He read this book so often that the back cover came off and pages were falling out. He also highlighted a number of passages and added comments. Things he disagreed with as well as things he agreed with. He didn’t do this with any of his other books. I think he must have really connected with this author.
Whenever I would come for a visit I would stay in an extra room. When I was reading or doing something he would often come into my room, or I would go into his study, and we would talk about all kinds of things. Work, current events, his Air Force days, how he met Mom in Germany, or how he was helping at the veterans museum. I miss that.
Looking through this book, reading the things he highlighted, and reading his comments is like having one of those conversations again. Like he’s still teaching me something. I can hear his voice as I read the lines.
The book is falling apart. It has an Aspen Bookshop stamp on the inside. I’ll be keeping it.
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